Episode 5: The Fatal Flaw

As you might imagine, a first date that ends with falling in love is already moving pretty damn fast.  So by the third or fourth week, it was no surprise that Judy hit a wall.  Since we started, we had both been moving steadily forward—going with the flow.  We were having great times together playing hooky from work, driving around with the top down, drinking lots of great wine, and enjoying one, long seemingly never-ending kiss.

Inevitably, though, the head catches up with the heart and what generally ensues is confusion and doubt.  Should I lean in? Should I get out? Is this real?  Can I really have it all?  Should I end it before he does? The questions roll in like a thunderstorm, unleashing a flash flood of fears that threaten to extinguish love’s flame.

This commonly held belief that we can’t have it all has been steadily built up by the influences all around us–divorce, the unhappy relationships of our parents or friends, the endless list of books on how not to struggle with our partners.  The neurons that store these negative fragments exhibit the biochemical ability to block even the strongest of love’s impulses; so much so that even when the real thing shows up, our subconscious does its best to kill it.

That’s what Judy started doing. Doubts were creeping in.  Where questions hadn’t existed before, now there was hesitation.  The effortless fluidity of our dance was stunted.  We needed to have the talk. (Episode 4, Are You His Girlfriend?)

But, not the talk you think.   At 48, Judy had never found a relationship as powerful or effortless as ours.  Every fiber of programming in her head told her that “deep, soulful, and easy” wasn’t possible, and even if it was at first, it certainly could never last.  It didn’t matter that the experience she was actually having was different than anything she’d experienced before, it surely couldn’t be real. Judy knew there must be a fatal flaw.  Surely the ease would devolve into disharmony, just like every relationship she had ever known before.

I explained that it was literally all in her head.  The relationship she was experiencing was different by design.  All she needed to do was have faith in what she was feeling.  “You can have it all—just follow your heart,” I said.  She could decide to embrace our love and get past her wall.

All she had to do is decide…

Click here for Episode 6: Bright Lights from the 9^th Row